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I Will Always Wonder Who You Would Have Been… My Sweet Angel Baby.

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7 years ago today, I lost my 2nd baby. My baby that has no name, but their name is inscribed on my heart. My ANGEL baby.

It was the morning after Chloe’s 1st Birthday party in SoCal. I woke up, with a horrible backache and cramps. I didn’t feel right. I was 8 weeks along in this pregnancy, and I thought having moderate cramps at this point was concerning. I found that I was bleeding and the cramping continued. We began our road trip home to Vegas, which is 4 hour trip. The pain became worse. I was scared and worried, wondering what would happen. I asked my husband to stop at the next town, so I could use the restroom. As soon as we rolled into the Barstow Chevron station, I ran in. I was bleeding so heavily, and I started crying. I knew then that I was having a miscarriage. The rest of the drive home was a blur, all I could think of was WHY?

When we made it home, I decided to take myself to the ER. My husband and I decided that he stay home with Chloe, and I assured him I would be okay. I needed answers. The emergency nurses and Doctor took very good care of me. They gave me a pregnancy test, which came back positive and performed an ultrasound on me. The nurse sat with me as she watched the ultrasound technician take his measurements. I was still in a lot of pain as I stared up at the ceiling tiles, I was hoping and praying that my little baby was still in there. I asked the nurse, “Is my baby there?” Their solemn faces said everything, as the technician said, “The doctor will give you those results.”

The nurse helped me into the wheelchair to take me back to my bed in the ER room. As she helped me onto it, she put her arms around me and gave me a hug. She spoke no words, and she didn’t need to. I knew what she was telling me. I didn’t see her again for the rest of that long night.

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8/7/2010, celebrating Chloe’s 1st birthday and the last day I was pregnant with my Angel Baby. I would suffer a miscarriage the next day, 8/8/2010.

The ER Doctor came a couple hours later and confirmed that I was pregnant, but at some point that afternoon, I had a “spontaneous abortion”. He said it so matter of factly and clinical, my heart sunk and all I could think was that I had lost my baby in that dirty toilet in the Chevron bathroom. Stunned and quiet, I signed my hospital paperwork and drove home. My husband met me in the garage as I pulled up. I fell into his arms, sobbing. The GRIEF was so deep. For days I sobbed.

There are no words that you can say to a Mother that has lost her child. Nothing. Because, there is no way to explain WHY it happens and there are no words that could provide comfort. I’m sharing this with you because I want other Mothers that have also had a miscarriage or miscarriages, or lost a baby at any point, that I understand. I know the pain, sadness, confusion, and emptiness. I know how you look at children that would be the same age as the one you lost and wonder what they would be like.

The only comfort that I have now is that I will meet my Angel Baby one day. Until then, I’ll see my baby in their Sisters’ smiles, feel their embrace in their hugs, smell their scent in their skin, and hold their love in my heart.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord will fulfill His promises to her.

– Luke 1:45

 

One comment

  1. I’m so sorry this happened to you, what a sinking feeling. From a medical professional, I’m also very sorry that you did not have a compassionate doctor/person give you such damaging news especially being alone at the time. I’m happy that you have 2 beautiful girls in your life now 💗 Thank so much for sharing this message with us, showing such strength! Happy early & belated birthday to those girls!

    Joy
    http://www.basicallyjoy.com

    Like

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